Soybean-free Soy Sauce - Who thought this was a good idea?

Dear Member of the Dining Public,

I have some shocking news to share with you. The packet condiment industry has been playing us for suckers.

A crack team of investigative journalists assembled at considerable expense¹ by this blog has uncovered a shocking practice you'd want to know about before you order your next Chinese take-out. Continue reading to find out what these assholes have been getting away with for years!

An industry insider, who requested anonymity, reveals the dirty little secret, "Soy sauce - what is it really? I mean, who among us has the authority to say what ought to go in soy sauce, and what should be left out? Isn't it just a matter of personal preference? Some food snobs might like their sauce to be made from soy beans. Screw 'em!

"I can think of at least a dozen items in your pantry that aren't really what they appear to be. Take froot loops for example. You don't believe for a second there's any froot in froot loops, do you? Exactly!"

Our lead investigator who went undercover as a Chinese takeout patron was able to obtain a sample packet for this story. Here's a close up of the ingredients list



Okay, what we have here is a soy sauce not made from soy beans, but from basically water, salt and sugar.

Before we jump to judgement, I think it only fair that I do a taste test. Who knows, these guys might be on to something.

What's the verdict? Well, it tastes nothing like soy sauce. No, smartass, that's not the worst thing I can say about it. No one's who's tasted real soy sauce should ever have to settle for this crap. If you actually prefer this forgery to real soy sauce, you're probably a member of Al Qaeda.

Autolyze this, soy sauce counterfeiters! You've been feeding us lies for far too long. You will stop today!

Or... on a day that is mutually convenient. Either way.

Coming up next week - what's fishy about fish sauce? We'll tell you what they don't want you to know!

¹$12.78 worth of Chinese takeout.

It's my first time

Wize up, suckaz! Cuz Chris Hansen is in da (undercover) house! Dat’s right YO! C to the H-R-I-S. H to the A, N to the S the E the N. Yo!

The season premier of Dateline NBC - To Catch a Predator (TCAP) aired last week, and it was reassuring to see Chris Hansen back in fine form, delivering with authority his trademark line:

“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen and I’m with Dateline NBC”.

To a would-be predator, hearing those nine words is tantamount to getting a gatorade shower over the groin.

You already know the script. The “adult decoy” leaves the room, and the predator is left holding a glass of fruit punch - feeling like the fool who’d hung around too long after the party was clearly over.

“Hey, you mean you’re not really gonna change into a bikini and wait for me in the hot tub?”

Oh so close, but oh so not gonna happen!

“Damn! What about this drink I poured for you? Fine, I’ll have to drink it.”

Remember that time your parents went out of town and you threw a huge party. Surprise, surprise, they cut their trip short and arrived home just when you were about to get to first base with that French foreign-exchange student from next door? (As you can tell, I’m a huge fan of bad teen movies from the 80’s).

This is what it must be like for the predator, I surmise. Yeah, just like that but imagine instead of your parents, it’s the Long Beach PD. And instead of getting grounded, you face shame and disgrace in front of a jury who are happily inspecting “evidence”, a.k.a. color photos of your genitalia.

The predator has few options when faced with such a predicament. Otherwise known as "shit outta luck".

1) Feign innocence: “I warn’t gonna do nuttin’. Juss gonna hang out”
2) Plead ignorance:
Galeano aka nismo05007 came to meet with a girl who said she was 13.

Hansen: And how old is she?
Galeano: She told me she was 16, 17.
Hansen: She told you—that she was 16 or 17?
Galeano: Uh-huh (affirms).
:
:
Hansen: You know, I read the chat log.
Galeano: Oh, you did? Touché, Hansen, touché.

(Okay, I made that last part up).

3) Deny your real intentions:

Hansen: And you know what the show is called?
Clemente: Dateline.
Hansen: Dateline. Dateline what? "To catch a predator."
Clemente: Sir, I’m not a real predator, sir. But I’m just—
Hansen: You’re not a real predator.
Clemente: No, sir. I’m just—
Hansen: Just a pretend predator.
Clemente: No, I’m just curious.
Hansen: A curious predator

No predator is safe from Hansen’s stinging mockery.

4) Run - but that’s useless because the police were already in position! Oh, why couldn’t this have been the first season of TCAP - a friendlier season when law enforcement officers weren't participating so actively? Whyyyyy???

None of the choices holds much promise of a favorable outcome. But whatever you do, don’t say anything to invite Hansen’s biting put-downs, like these two suckaz:

Decoy: Did you bring the sandwiches?
Salinas: Sure.
:
Hansen: What kind of sandwiches did you bring?
Salinas: Chicken.
Hansen: Chicken. And so you were just gonna come over and have a little picnic today. Was that the plan?
:
Salinas: I was out doing a service call. I was—
Hansen: Oh, so you had some spare time while you’re out doing a service call.
Salinas: Yeah.
Hansen: And you thought you’d drop by and see your 13-year-old girlfriend you met online?
Salinas: Yeah, well.
Hansen: Yeah. For a sandwich.

Ouch! I don’t know what’s more humiliating. Being arrested on national television for a sex crime or suffering the host’s sarcasm, served with a side of scorn.

Mmmmm. Sandwiches. This wasn’t the first time predators have appeared bearing food. I wonder what brought it all on?

I can only assume this what a predator’s checklist must look like:

1. Condoms. Check
2. Porno DVD. Check
3. Prosciutto and mozzarella on an olive loaf with organic pesto dressing. Check.

I guess talking dirty on-line makes Jill a hungry decoy. Oh, what do you think happens to the sandwich after the pred is arrested? Taken in as evidence? Not if the Chubby Debbies from Perverted Justice have a say in the matter. I bet those gals know their way around a meatball and marinara hoagie as well as… uhmm… someone who really enjoys a meatball and marinara hoagie.

I like what the NBC producers have done with the undercover crib for 2007. Except the hot-tub. That has to go. Hasn’t the hot-tub become such a signature of TCAP that it’s setting off alarm bells in the head of any self-respecting on-line pred?

Well, except perhaps for Michael Siebert, for whom it’s a case of once-bitten, twice-“suspicious-second-time-round-but-not-enough-to-avoid-getting-caught-again”

Siebert: Are you a cop?
Decoy: No, I’m not a cop.
Siebert: I got caught before.

When confronted by Hansen, Siebert offered up this excuse:

Hansen: Thirteen. She told you she was 13.
Seibert: Yeah, and I told her to go away. But she keeps I-M-ing me back.

Oh, don’t you hate it when that happens? What must one do to stop one's on-line lady-friends from harassing one repeatedly with sexual advances? I so feel your pain!

TCAP Season 3 is off to a good start. I have a good feeling about Hansen in oh-seven. Expect him to continue serving up boner-crushing humiliation to predators across the country. You will not be disappointed.